Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
