Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
