kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
