i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
