Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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