U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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