I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
