You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
