An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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