Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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