We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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