I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
