We named our party play list daddy issues
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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