The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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