i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
