after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
