these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
