dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
