This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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