Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
They have beer where we have blood.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
