why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
