Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
