So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
