There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This is my gift to your gina
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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