I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
