just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
