Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
