So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
