I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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