If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
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I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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