not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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