Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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