I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
that's an acceptable place to lick
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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