Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
