My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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