One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Actions speak louder than pants.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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