I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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