Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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