I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
