If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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