i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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