just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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