i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
