Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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