I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
