she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
