beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
