The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
