That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
