Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
