just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
