Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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