Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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