When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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